Every friday night, i would buzz over to the ice rink and park right up front. There was just something about the elongated, cylindrical shape that made my mouth water. But i wanted more. And the love life is definitely on the upswing. . I was in the love doldrums until the turn of the millennium. Man, those were the days.
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A year and a lot of forearm burns later, i was the proud owner of my very own dodge tradesman. The old girl was pretty beat up, but i poured every spare dollar i had into tricking her out with all the accessories i could get my hands on. I didn’t want to turn my back on my tradesman, though. I made a y2k resolution to “get with the times, van man,” to use the parlance of the denny’s waitress who turned down my invitation for an all-expenses-paid night out at the red lobster. When i was a sophomore, i took up a humiliating job at a local fish-fry just so i could save up enough bread to buy my first van. So i recently installed a pacesetter air intake and a bully dog performance chip, and i can barely control the explosive power of this suv. Even before scooby-doo and their hippie-fied mystery machine skyrocketed to the pinnacle of popularity, i was a huge van fan. I always kept the wet bar fully stocked with plenty of coors and schnapps, so it didn’t take long to get those girls to lose their inhibitions. From the moment i sat down behind the wheel, i was bowled over by the suv power that my ford pumped out. As soon as my january 1st hangover wore off, i rolled over to the ford dealership, said goodbye to my tradesman, and drove home in my shiny new excursion. What can i say—big automobiles are nature’s aphrodisiac. Unfortunately, times change, and so do girls’ tastes. When the ladies heard my hi-fi blasting out don’t fear the reaper, they knew to ditch their dates and come outside to me. First, i installed a twin-size water bed into the rear. About the time reagan took office, owning a van was suddenly seen as a liability with the ladies. She had been loyal to me, and i was going to be loyal to her in return. Then, i converted the side cabinetry into a wet bar. It goes without saying that my van made me a popular man around milwaukee. After that came the shag carpet and stereo system.
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I finished it off with some velvet upholstery and incredibly opaque window tinting. Carefree and cool is the only way to live. I tried adding on some new accessories, like a roof-mounted wing and some chrome windshield wipers, but all the girls simply sneered.